When I was in my early twenties, I had an image of myself in my thirties and how my life would be. My ten-year plans and goals that I did less to nothing to achieve. I will turn thirty this year and as I look back, I sense that I have failed my past self. Nevertheless, I couldn’t be happier.
Ten years ago, life was simple and limited for me. I had one aim in life, one boyfriend that I thought I’d settle down with and no goals to accumulate wealth. I just wanted to be happy.
But as the old Yiddish proverb goes- if you want to make God laugh tell Him your future plans. My life has not turned as I had expected it to be but better, for which I am extremely grateful and sometimes greedy.
And as you turn older, your horizon broadens. I still cringe thinking about my Facebook posts which I have deleted for good(it has given me PTSD). I have outgrown many people in my life, friends, family members and the ones I thought would be the love of my life. Perhaps because of this fleeting feeling I have welcomed this fear of impermanence. Like most people, I am afraid of attachments and their consequences.
But nothing comes close to the fear of “Marriage”.
I want to get married … someday … but I don’t want to. I know I don’t make sense. That’s the problem with the millennials today. We are scarred and poisoned by our own experiences. Unlike other parents, my parents are chill about it because wedding ceremonies drain your resources and for as long as I can remember I’ve seen them broke af. Their wedding, however, was the talk of the village and lasted for 15 days (as my grandfather recalls).
I can get married in my pyjamas like Kurt Cobain and with a handful of people who give good vibes but my mother corrects that society has to witness the so-called affair. So then it’s a stage play for society – “oh look we can officially consummate and breed yeah!”… I do not understand the lavish venture and I cannot put up with what comes after the ceremony.
If I have to put it in crude words, getting married is like a scratch card reward. You do not know whether you’ve won money or a useless discount on an item you would never use but I am asked by many people – quite shamelessly when I would get married and they’ve unsuccessfully tried to coax me into its benefits.
Financial benefits- Do I look like a gold digger? Hey, that’s how my sister looks! But what if he is the gold digger? A parasite.
A companion. Seggssss.
What if he is terrible in bed and you’ve to fake orgasms? What if he cheats? Ouch! Deja Vu …
Just take it with a pinch of a salt, don’t bring children into this world if you aren’t mentally ready for a life-altering experience. To quote Elizabeth Gilbert “Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it’s what you want before you commit.”
You get your own house. Freedom.
Sadly, most people get married to escape the prison that their parents build for them. But sometimes they escape the prison and jump right into hell.
Lastly, if your partner is the right person, a good person, things will fall into place. There will be objections though, even if it’s the right person. Humans are born sadists; they’ll try their best to destroy peace at any cost. Keep it private until it’s permanent and even if it is permanent keep it between the two of you. There is a different kind of beauty in the hidden things.
I am overtly scared of weddings and the consequences of marriage, the disappointment it brings is irreversible. But I feel the concept of marriage is beautiful. Where two becomes one; and two is better than one. There is no recipe for a successful marriage, all the old books lie. It depends on the two of you. It’s odd as it is coming from a gamophobic girl but trust me there should be two people working on it. Marriages are made in heaven. Please don’t drag God into it, there is no marriage in heaven. You find someone on earth whom you feel tolerable and try to tolerate them for the rest of your life.
How I’d like to believe that we were put on this earth with a specific purpose but we got distracted and now have overpopulated this planet with our offspring. We keep warning ourselves about our own kind about the things which we did in the past which could’ve been easily avoided in time because we are incapable of Utopia and cursed to bring up a dystopian world upon ourselves… and scene.